i · wanna · hold · your · hand..

...the nicer version.This is going to be all those terrible things i refuse to say to people, because basically thats what most people have done with this. I'm going to make this a bit more just general things i want to say to people..not even nessicarily i want to say but can't.

1. you're are SO ignorant. I'm sorry but when you've known someone two years, talk to them ONLINE where their name is CLEARLY displayed right before your eyes and you still spell it wrong, that is just plan rude. Yes, i know its just a tiny mistake "aLLison" but when its repeated OVER and OVER again, it's no longer a simple mistake. My name is my title; the one thing everyone knows me as; the FIRST thing you learn about me. And so I find it offensive that you haven't even given me enough respect and consideration to get it right. I might be snapping on this the most because i don't like a couple other things about you. I don't understand why everyone loves you. I think that they're probably like me and really can't stand you but won't say it, but then another part of me knows that they love you. You're full of yourself; you think you're the absolute shit. I'm sorry but you take it too far. You think all the guys want you, but the truth is you're just a fucking tease. You THROW yourself at them, and I know you take it too far when you start to go for the ones that your FRIENDS are interested in. Yes you're pretty but friends should matter more than your fucking looks. You aren't going to succeed the way they all say you will unless you're snapped back to reality and realise that you can't treat people like this. You know that you have a problem when you live three hours away from people and they still are affected by your arrogance.

Wow, that was long...i guess that's been pent up for awhile.

2.

uhhh...i mostly just had to get that out. Haha. well I guess i might finish this another time when I find more things to say...haha.

I AM: tired, bored, but still not wanting to sleep.
I WANT: to run away, get away, not feel any of this
I HAVE: skin on my forehead breaking out
I WISH: school would fuck off and die
I HATE: that his actions reflect/tell me nothing

I MISS: being happy, having that feeling..even momentarily of being ecstatic
I FEAR: falling apart
I HEAR: the tv on
I SEARCH: for something really good to finally happen
I WONDER: why things just wont go my way
I REGRET: not taking opportunities when they were more so there
I ACHE: in my back
I ALWAYS: wait for weekends and then they disappear so fast

I AM NOT: happy right now..since a long time
I DANCE: whenever i feel like it
I SING: in the shower and when im alone at the top of my lungs
I CRY: when im frustrated/stressed/upset/confused
I WRITE: in my journal not often enough and not sure whats stopping me
I LOSE: my mind waaaay too often
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: to try to find something to improve things?
I SHOULD: go to bed

DO YOU's/HAVE YOU's:
You keep a diary: yeah
You have a secret journal: not really secret. but yeah
You set your watch a few minutes ahead: nope
You bite your fingernails: sometimes, rarely
Take a shower everyday: pretty much
Have a(any) crush(es): yes, unfortunately
Think you know you've been in love: nope
Been hurt: yes
Want to get married: yeah
Have any tattoos/where?: not yet
Piercing/where?: ears and cartilage
Think you're a health freak: sometimes...not as often anymore as i should be
Get along with your parents: yeah

Favorite...
NUMBER: 14
COLOR: blue
DAY: friday, thursday, sunday sorta
MONTH: february, november, july, january?
SONG: cant pick just one
FOOD: dunno
SPORT: kickboxing
DRINK: diet pepsi
VEGGIE: green pepper/brocoli, etc
FRUIT: apples, strawberries, bananas
FAST FOOD: wendys

In the last 24 hours have you:
CRIED? almost...the tears starting coming but then i had to get dressed quickly and go out so i kinda brushed them away and rushed out
HELPED SOMEONE? uhh maybe, im not sure. i think so
BOUGHT SOMETHING? jeans, cd and gift certificate
GOTTEN SICK? nope, i wish, i want a sick day
GONE TO THE MOVIES? nope
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? nope
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? yeah, to my dad before he went to bed
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? sorta, tay and i were writing on paper sorta letters
MISSED SOMEONE? yes
HUGGED SOMEONE? yyeah i think so
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? nope, well sorta
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? nope


would you ever...
1. Eat a bug? nah
2. Bungee jump? no
3. Hang glide? maybe
4. would you cheat on your bf/gf? maybe, haha, no...well..no.
5. Have sex with someone you don't love? yeah
6. Kiss someone of the same sex? sure? rather guys...but if it was like a dare or something sure..i wouldnt be like AHHHHH NO WAY!
7. Parachute from a plane? no way
8. Walk on hot coals? maybe, depends
9. Go out with someone for his or her looks? no
10. For their reputation? no
11. Be a vegetarian? i'd try
12. Wear plaid with stripes? maybe? not while trying to look good?
13. IM a stranger? sure
14. Sing karaoke? i used to hate it, i think it might be okay now
15. Get drunk? yeah
16. Shoplift? nah, no need
17. Run a red light? no! scary!
18. Dye your hair blue? maybe...nah
19. Be on Survivor? yeah, thatd be cool
20. Wear makeup in public? yeah
21. NOT wear makeup in public? yeah, no biggie
22. Make someone cry? not intentionallY!
23. Kick a baby? eww creepy! NO!
24. Date someone more than ten years older than you? naaah, alittle too creepy
25. Stay up all through the night? yeah, not fun the next day though

Have you:
1.Fallen for your best friend? we were close friends, but i wouldnt call him my BEST friend
2.made out with a friend? haha we were just friends at the time, but we'd previously been more
3.been rejected? ohh yeah, im familiar with that
4.been in love? nope
5.used someone? yeah probably
6.been used? yeah
7.been cool? ohhh yeah
8.done something you regret? yeah but more often not done somethig and regretted that


who was the last person...
9.you touched? my dad?
10.you talked to? my dad
11.you hugged? my dad
12.you IMed? rhiannon
13.you kissed? owen? ew
14.you had sex with? no one
15.you yelled at? my mom a little...wouldnt really call it yelling..that sounds so like abusive...more like got angry about something else and vented to her LOUDLY
16.you laughed with? my parents and taylor
17.who broke your heart? dont know if he was capable of BREAKING my whole heart or anything...but last one to like 'romantically' hurt me...owen..stupid moron
18.who told you they loved you? my dad


Do you...
19. color your hair? not anymore, learned from that. still kinda dream of being a brunette
20.have tattoos? not yet
21.have piercings? ears and cartilage
22.have a boyfriend/girlfriend? i wish
23.own a webcam? nope
24.own a thong?: yeah
25.ever get off the computer? not too often, but eventually

Have you/do you/are you...
26. stolen anything? not from a store...my sister...maybe
27. schizophrenic? not really...yes..shut up...make me...i will!....LAAAAAAAAME!
28. are you obessive? somethings i am...somethings im really obsessive over (i.e. grades, etc) somethings im not obsessive about at all
29. panic? sometimes...not as often anymore

questions...
30. if you could be anywhere right now, where would you be? in bed sleeping
31. what facial feature do you like most about your boyfriend/girlfriend? if i had one i'd hope tolike his smile and his eyes
32. would you vote for a woman president? yeah
33. would you marry for money? nooo
34. Have you had braces? nope
35. do you pluck your eyebrows? yeah
36. do you like mustaches?as long as they're not pubic hair mustaches...(AHH my crush is developing one of those..kinda gross..:S)
37. when did you last have a hickey? never..
38. By who? no one
39. who do you want to kiss? a bunch of guys
40. If you could get stuck with anyone in a closet who would it be? oh maaaan...you know..oh baby, thatd rock

rachael just got all pissy at me because she passed me in the hall today, i didnt see her and she tried to ask me something but god forbid i was talking to someone else at the time and before i could be like "hey, sorry im done talking now, what did you want to say?" she stormed off. people jumping to conclusions is not my problem..im sick of getting the blame for people assuming im angry or im ignoring someone or other people are more important. when im with ONE person im going to give thme my attention! if someone else is going to pass by and try to grab my attention they have to not take it personally if im distracted by someone else and i dont give them my attention right away. and if i dont see someone or realise they need to say something to me, im obviously not going to be able to notify them of waiting a moment. I AM NOT A SUPER OBSERVANT PERSON...NOT EVEN THAT, I GET DISTRACTED VERY EASILY! I swear to fucking god i have ADD because i get distracted and am completely oblivious at times!
I AM NOT A FUCKING MEAN PERSON! I do not ignore people intentionally...EVER! I wont ignore certain people when im with other people..IF SOMEONE IS MY FUCKING FRIEND IM NOT GOING TO BE FUCKING EMBARRASSED OF THEM..IM NOT GOING TO IGNORE THEM ON PURPOSE! I CANNOT GIVE EVERYONE MY COMPLETE AND ABSOLUTE ATTENTION ALL AT ONCE. Im not saying a bunch of people always want my attention...but I like being close with people...therefore when im with ONE person..i like to give them all my attention so we can connect better or something..just give them ALL my attention so they know i think they're worth my whole attention..if someone else comes along, im going to keep giving the first person my attention....but at the same time its difficult because when someone else comes along, i TRY to give them attention as well..but its hard..i dont want the other person to think im completely disregarding that i was there with them first.
FUCK IM SORRY TO EVERY FUCKING PERSON THAT I DONT MAKE FEEL IMPORTANT 24/7! SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHER THINGS...I NEVER TRY TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL ANY LESS IMPORnTANT TO ME, I NEVER TRY TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL INFERIOR! I DO NOT TRY TO BE MEAN...IM SORRY...FUCK i dont know what i could do! I dont know WHAT to do. im sick of being bitched at for things i dont even know i am doing. fuck...i want to just give up..

I have to say this is one of the strangest moods i've been in a long time. Sure i've had times in the past 6 months or so when i've felt just plain crappy and depressed..but right now, I just can't seem to shake it. It's almost as though my new way of life is "depressed". If it weren't for my painting job which entails me waking up at 7am each morning and rushing to get to my aunt & uncle's, i probably would just lie in bed trying desperately to go back to sleep; in hopes that maybe when I wake up again I'd feel a bit better. I feel like I'm continuously in a dream state. Nothing feels real. When I start to think, i begin to assess everything in my life, at this point or in the future. It's like suddenly I have all this space and time to fill, and instead of doing something productive, my mind has decided to fill it with thoughts that I haven't had time for before now. I often pick up the phone to call someone, in hopes of saving myself from thinking, distracting myself and reassuring myself that there are people who want to talk to me. I almost don't want to go away. I'm so nervous, and although I know this is a normal feeling before camp, i'm still scared. It's something I love so much, and I fear that it won't live up to my expectations. Last summer was amazing. Plus, two weeks seems like a really long time. I don't know...I just can't get rid of this feeling...it's like a constantly just want to cry..ha, and I often do. I feel so weak...